My dearest aunty

Tribute to Aunty Jan with love


3 days without you feels like forever. I miss you so much and I do not know who to share my sorrowness with. Luckily I have my blog.


Semasa didalam perjalanan ke HUKM, perasaan di dalam hati ni only God knows. I dont know why im being too emotional 2 days before you left us aunty. It is like I can really feel that you are going soon. But I did not expect that you're going the night after i visited you. Im sorry for crying in front of you, i've tried my best to be strong. but i could not help it. I know you're in pain. In real pain. In fact when i came to visit you in the evening, i know our time together is very limited and in fact...counting hours. Thats the reason i cried. I do not want to go home, but mungkin kuasa Tuhan, i sekeluarga balik and sempat took a short solid nap (because we're going to have a very long night) before got a call from Uncle zizi saying that all the family members has to be there. 


Sampai HUKM that night i cant help myself feeling really really really sad and cried like a child and was asked to go out from her room. I sedih tengok dia tercungap-cungap. And all the wires lekat dekat her body, drips dekat leher and kaki sebab doctor tak boleh letak drips dekat tangan aunty dah :( and when u saw papa, all i can see is your tears and trying to say something to papa but you cant. Masa i berdiri beside you aunty, you stared at me and pandang atas. I know its your signal to me just so that i will tell everyone that you are leaving us soon. Yes aunty, i can see everything clearly but I was being in denial (some will know what i mean by saying 'i can see clearly') i tak nak you suffer but at the same time i dont want you to go. I am not ready. 


I went out from your room, it's because i cant control my sadness anymore. Yes aunty i was crying outside alone, crying crying and crying.  Tuhan tahu perasaan i time tu. I love you aunty. :( time duduk di luar sorang i tengok saja your room, sambil membaca ayat-ayat yang terlintas difikiran. Intan was there with me via bbm, suruh i bersabar dan redha. Thank you intan for being there when i need you. Tapi hati still tak nak terima kenyataan. I Hate to see you tercungap-cungap.


10pm : family members are all there with her. Membaca yassin and even her 9year old son, standing beside her, holding her hand, calling 'mama mama mama ma ma' i saw the way she griped her son's hand, he is always her remedy, the only reason why she stays strong all this while. Yes Mirzan is her strenght. I nampak machine pernafasan aunty from 120 terus naik ke 170 when u saw Mirzan came. :(  i know you tried to fight, but you got tired and pernafasan aunty menurun balik, from 170-160-120-70... And it stays there :( bacaan yassin tetap diteruskan sambil papa memeluk aunty dan mirzan memegang tangan aunty dan aunty terus tercungap. 


1130pm : doctor came and check. He told us, it's anytime soon.. I burst again while others is holding their tears. Mirzan still calls for her mom. 'mama mama mama i love you mama' and he cried. 'maaaa maaaa maaaa!!!' and uncle zizi bawa dia keluar from the room. I can see tears again from your eyes aunty. :( and mirah burst into tears too. We really love you aunty. I went to sit outside so that i boleh stay calm balik. I termenung again di luar, still thinking about our memories together. Masa I kecil sampai sekarang. I still keep the money that you gave me when I started to work in AIA. I will not use that money. I will keep it sampai bila-bila.Then I terfikir, last year we beli nasi ayam together, you nasihat kan I to get a good guy to be my hubby as you tak sempat to attend my wedding, and I said, 'no aunty kena kuat because you're going to be my wedding planner' and you just laughed and said 'Aunty dah tak larat Rene nak buat event semua, aunty tengok dari jauh la' and you laughed again :(
there's just too many memories with you. You have been the greatest aunty for me. I will not forget you. Definitely Not. And my mind recalls all the memories with you....until..


1210am - 25032012 - I was shocked. I saw a lil girl, cantik sangat, wearing dress keluar dari your room. She is so happy and was running and jumping out from your room, and she stops and turn back looking at your room and ran happily and jumping and hilang from my eyes. I asked my cousins if they see that lil girl. They said NO. I know something is not right and rush back to the room followed by my cousins, and saw everyone was crying. Machine pernafasan aunty dah 17 and then drop to 10 and 0. We all cried. Mirzan cried out loud 'maaaaaaaaaaa!!! maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! maaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!' and he was crying looking at his mom. Doctor came and check, no pulse. Innallilahi... dia pergi dalam pelukan papa. :( Cara aunty pergi sangat tenang. Sangat-sangat-sangat-sangat tenang. and that is 1220am. Al-fatihah


Then we family have to step outside as the nurses nak uruskan my aunty to bring her to bilik mayat. At the same time, all my uncles decided to uruskan everything in HUKM. Heard that nak mandikan jenazah and sembahyang will take place there too. 


0120am - time berjalan ke arah bilik mayat, my mind keep on thinking who is the lil girl that I saw just now? Aunty masa kecil ke? Malaikat jemput aunty ke? Wallauhualam. I wish I know the answer. All I know is the girl is very very pretty and she is so happy. Sampai di bilik mayat, to be exact ruang menunggu, my dad came up to us and told us that they need 4 waris perempuan untuk mandikan mayat. Yan was the first one who said Yes, and right after that me and then aunty maslinda and aunty manja, I have no experience  to mandikan mayat, but somehow, something triggered me to just mandikan my aunty.


0220am - Kami berempat dibawa ke bilik mayat sambil menolak my aunty, we all had to pass satu jalan yang sangat sunyi. I saw all the drawers contains dead bodies. Mulut tak lengkang baca doa. Dekat drawer mayat I can see they wrote 'kaki' 'tangan' and etc. Plus with one smell so kuat. (i didnt know that is bau mayat). Semua ayat suci I baca, Sampai la satu ruang, dimana they said that ruang is to mandikan mayat. 


0300am - aunty dimandikan, I am so sad while holding you for the last time. I tried my best not to hurt you. I cuci slow-slow and so does everyone. Makcik yang lead us, asked us to be gentle. I hold your hand just like always. But this time, you can't hold me back :( I tried my best not to cry during the process. Muka aunty so tenang and you're smiling. I know you're in a better place now. I was with you sampai la aunty dikapankan, dipakaikan bedak serta minyak wangi. Sampai la aunty disembahyangkan dan diletakkan di dalam drawer yang banyak-banyak tu. :( it is sad to leave you. although it is only for 2 hours before your body will be brought back at nenek's. That's what you wanted aunty.


0400am : sampai rumah nenek, we saw nenek is still not sleeping yet. (nenek tinggal sorang at home) And everyone was asking why aren't she sleeping yet. She told us, 'mak pun tak tahu kenapa mata mak tak nak tutup, mak risau' and papa sat beside nenek, told her slowly that aunty dah pergi. Nenek cried tersedu-sedu. Nenek and aunty memang rapat. Time aunty sakit, aunty la selalu jaga nenek walaupun aunty tak berdaya. Pengorbanan aunty memang besar sangat. I know you are so worried about nenek and mirzan. But aunty they both are in good hands. 


7am : jenazah selamat sampai dirumah nenek with uncle zizi and family. 
8am : Ramai datang baca yassin untuk aunty, jiran-jiran nenek semua datang, your friends, family members. Sampailah upacara sembahyang jenazah. 


1130am : last kisses from family. Everyone cried. Even I tried not to cry because the imam said dont let the tears kena jenazah. So i had to hold my tears. (it is really sad I tell you) My last goodbye to her is the hardest. 


1pm : selamat dikebumikan :( papa, uncle zizi and uncle salleh went down to the liang lahad to place you gently down there. semuanya berjalan dengan lancar. alhamdullilah :( Mirzan was crying all the way. It is sad to see him crying. 9 years old and anak yatim.


Alhamdullilah everything is settled now and its been 3 days without you now. I miss you, probably will always will. This is really hard to get over.  I know I should not be crying because this is what you want it to be. But I am really sorry, I can't accept the fact that you have to go, and It is time for you to leave us. After all these years,  we had so many wonderful times together, tons of laughs and the memories constantly coming back to me. I miss you dearly Aunty Jan.Rest In Peace.  =( Al-Fatihah